Around the World in 8 Days

Here is where our journey takes an unplanned turn: Ian and I returned home to Sioux Falls Saturday Sept. 5, shortly one week after we departed with the best of intentions and well wishes from a mass of friends and family.

Why?

We have found this a question not simply answered. There is not a simple answer, and we are perplexed as well, but feel we owe our supporters an attempted explanation of some kind:

Beginning the first night in Dar Es Salaam(Sunday evening), we discovered that Ian was having severe anxiety about different aspects of our time in Tanzania. Really not too surprising, leaving and adjusting to new culture is a harsh shock to anyone's system. Seeking peace of some kind, we asked the other couple traveling with us if they would pray with us. We spent time in fervent prayer, feeling that Ian was under attack from forces that were trying to sabotage and prevent the work that we were going to be doing at the schools, seeking God's protection and amazing peace and reassurance. Unfortunately, rest and peace were not to be ours that night, and we continued into the next day without sleep, unsure what the next day and night would hold.

The following night(Monday) in Mafinga began with anxiety and nervousness on my part, but subsided as exhaustion won out. It was not long after we retired to our room in the guest house before the now familiar weight of panic descended on Ian. Time slows to a crawl and the room grows constricting when panic begins. Determined that we could beat the darkness this evening, we prayed and read Scripture aloud hoping for something concrete to cling to. The middle of this night was a place neither of us had visited before; crying out to God in sheer brokenness, in a foreign country, at a complete loss of what to do. Did God long to bring us to this place, to cry out to Him? We were there on our knees, seeking the peace that comes only from him, that can soothe a panicked soul. Again, peace was not to be ours that dark night, and the sun rose again on two exhausted souls.

Of course we were expecting that our move to Tanzania would come with a multitude of challenges, but we did not predict severe panic attacks and no sleep.

Daylight brought renewed hope that the night ahead would finally hold that most precious commodity: sleep. As written earlier, on Tuesday, we traveled to Madisi Secondary School and met the students that were going to be our hosts for the next two weeks. Knowing that we would be heading in different directions that evening was tough; who would be there for Ian in the dark? Before leaving with our students, we had a moment to speak privately with Steve Vinton, the director of Village Schools International who lives at Madisi School, and he reassured us that anxiety was not unexpected, but that it was something a person simply had to work through. If we were questioning our decision to support VST by teaching for a year, we could discuss that with him in the morning.

Tuesday night brought sleep for me, aside from rats and a smoky hut. Unfortunately, it brought panic and anxiety of a new degree for Ian while in a village more then an hour away from Madisi. Unable to effectively communicate with his host student, Musa, Ian explained his terror and panic as a fear of the dark and that he needed to return to the school. He was then able to spend the remainder of the night at one of the several teacher houses on the school grounds, after a good conversation with Steve. Returning to the school did not bring sleep, but it did bring brief reprieve to the gripping panic. I returned Wednesday morning from Leukadia's home in a nearby village, and was notified that Ian had returned to the school in the middle of the night.

We were now at a crossroad in our service with VST: staying would require over a week of nights in Musa's village and home(not a bad thing until night descended), and then moving farther away from communication and supervisors after the training period when we were assigned to a school to do our teaching. If we would decide to return to the United States, we would need to make the decision sooner than later.

I despise making huge decisions in a short amount of time; it leaves too much room for regret and decisions that were made on intense emotion alone.

We had just spent the last eight months preparing for this coming year of service and teaching; not just preparing, but anxiously and excitedly anticipating the journey. Everything in the United States had been taken care of for the coming year, and there was nothing that we needed to be home for. How could we even consider returning home after one week? Why were we able to raise $36,000 so easily, with support coming from all directions? It seemed that God was preparing us to go. The momentum was incredible, and we wanted to stay.

Ian and I met that afternoon, during a quiet time in our training, to pray and seek clear direction. We were not asking for a reason or clear explanation, but something, someone, that would direct us to stay and persevere through the sleepless nights or to face the confusion and questions that were inevitable if we were to return home.

Amy:
While sitting in our next group activity, a bible study, I heard a voice as clear as if the person was seated right next to me say: "I don't want one year, I want you for your entire life." Something like that cuts right through a person, and gave me chills. Without realizing, I had been thinking that if I could put in one year of extreme service and self-denial, I could return home and continue my life as desired. How foolish human reasoning sounds when spoken aloud. As I continued to meditate on that truth throughout our bible study, I realized that my year teaching in Tanzania was going to mean nothing to the Lord if it was going to be the extent of my service for sometime. I realized that if I was going to serve the Lord for the full duration, instead of earning "credit" from this coming year in Tanzania, I would rather return and begin anew. Couldn't I have come to this realization a few months earlier, before climbing aboard the plane, before involving so many other people?

After our group bible study, Ian and I reconvened and we both knew that we needed to return to the United States. With heavy hearts, we informed Steve of our decision, and he put the wheels in motion to get the bus tickets and plane tickets necessary for our return. Four days later, we arrived back in South Dakota, jet lagged, exhausted, and mainly confused.

Ian:
I don't know why I was not able find peace at night in Tanzania. Maybe I was supposed to endure another week or month of anxiety before I would relax and find my place. Maybe it would have ceased after one more night. Maybe we were just supposed to come home. I dont know, in the four days that it took us to return home I had plenty of time to sit and process this. I came to terms with the fact that I don't know why I experienced the feelings that I did. I dont know why preparations to go to Tanzania went so smoothly only to have things not work out when we arrived in the country. I don't think that I have the right to demand that I find out either. Maybe in the end, I was just not strong enough. I just don't know. But, I'm taking what I can (which is a lot!), good and bad from the time that I spent in Tanzania and I am moving forward.

God knows the big picture, which we are thankful for, because the immediate picture is a bit out of focus. Sharing our story is difficult and humbling, a valuable lesson in humility. We took so many people with us, in prayer and support, that returning is more difficult than deciding to move to Tanzania. Neither of us would speak so boldly as to say that it was God's will that we return home; our service in Tanzania seemed to have the Lord's blessing in the first place.

As for now, we are residing with Ian's parents, employment and apartment shopping, and trying to discern our next step. The only thing we do know for sure is that we have to keep moving forward.

Concerning the funds that everyone donated in support of Village Schools and the work we were doing, every penny will be used by Village Schools. Part of what makes VSI (Village Schools International) such a unique organization is their strong conviction that donors designate what they would like their money to go toward. The money we raised will not go into a general pot of money to be used however seems necessary by VSI. We have a variety of options: we can designate money to build classrooms ($4600/classroom), construct desks ($18/desk), or set up scholarships for female students ($75/scholarship).

*If you made a donation, we would welcome your request for the use of your donation. Any donations not directed by the donor, we will designate for classroom construction.

We would like to thank immensely our supporters, in prayer, gifts, time, and money. Please do not hesitate to contact us, we welcome any direction or insight, or any conversation.

Sincerely,
Ian and Amy Caselli

"May you be made strong with all the strength that comes from His glorious power, and may you be prepared to endure everything with patience, while joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the light" - Colossians 1:11-12